O wow. This is surprising. Didn’t think Mr L would have mention me to his mom cos he gave me the impression that he’s gonna b tightlipped bout us at least for awhile. So to randomly hear him spit that sentence out while we were browsing shop… double take 😮🙂 I’m not sure if I shld b nervous or thrilled…
Mr L left me on ‘read’ Wednesday night. I got all pissed. I mean he could have just replied something like “gone to slp” or “too busy, ttyl / tmr..” So I kinda got pissed all by myself for expecting. I even dreamt that he replied. Which is totally weird and insane of me. I thought of all the times he made me feel alittle slighted. I placed the 'RedFlag’ on this shit and started thinking he’s totally gonna pull the plug and I should mentally prepare myself to crawl back to singledom… Well. I woke up to a text on Thursday morning. 7.50am. He was too tired to reply and wld talk tonight… And he did. Texted me after work telling me bout all the things he’s been up to etc… Heh heh heh… guess I’m just really insecure and I really need to learn to chill…
…it’s like this. Sometimes, when you’ve a very long street ahead of you, you think how terribly long it is and feel sure you’ll never get it swept. And then you start to hurry. You work faster and faster and every time you look up there seems to be just as much left to sweep as before, and you try even harder, and you panic, and in the end you’re out of breath and have to stop–and still the street stretches away in front of you. That’s not the way to do it.
You must never think of the whole street at once, understand? You must only concentrate on the next step, the next breath, the next stroke of the broom, and the next, and the next. Nothing else.
That way you enjoy your work, which is important, because then you make a good job of it. And that’s how it ought to be.
And all at once, before you know it, you find you’ve swept the whole street clean, bit by bit. what’s more, you aren’t out of breath. That’s important, too.
Say. If your 1.5mth bf fed you an excuse to flake out on a date and it sounds real bullshit but you can’t really call him out on it. And then you start thinking of all the”not-so-logical” reasoning / excuses he would give to justify his thoughts / actions.
Can’t tell if it really has been his usual MO or that he just has been feeding me shitty excuses all this while and I’ve been buying it. He did sorta ‘promised’ one thing and didn’t honour it until we ( or rather I ) had a mini ‘melt down’ …
I really HATE being manipulated with half-truths. Why can’t people just be open and RESPECTFULLY honest?
Update: Bf sent a photo of his sunburnt lobster-red back… Me thinks he sensed I was abit put off yesterday morning.
I have been feeling so insecure and it got to a point yesterday when I just couldn’t stand myself. Physically, my head hurt, heart palpitations, my hip felt bruised.
Mentally I keep trying to beat the need for reassurance and it just wouldn’t stop.
That critical inner voice keeps flashing like a fucking strobe light. Something’s not right.
So I told Mr L we had to talk and I knew I did get emotional and wanting to save myself some dignity, I knew I could only do it over the phone. Of cos Mr L thought I wanted to just end it. Honestly, I really thought he wanted to end us and that he just couldn’t bring it out first.
We talked for a very long time and it could hv been the most awkward yet frank conversation I had in a long time.
I really appreciated that. No pretense. No sugar coating. No lies. Just both of us trying to understand and get on the same page.
I’m feeling real fucking silly for overthinking. Yet at the same time, I don’t think I would have had a chance of having a conversation like that. The staying in control of my brain plan went out of the window.
I needed assurance and I got it. So i guess i need to do some damage control next. Poor guy just got hit by a 27 yr old emotional wracked freak. He didn’t know I had been stewing for the past weeks…
EDIT: I did not overthink it. It’s one think to take things slow and easy and another issue to actually be the EASY one in the relationship. So nope. I didn’t overthink it. No foundation for trust building… Might as well not be in a relationship right?
No matter how I look at it, things just doesn’t seem to add up.
I find myself making excuses for the reason why you are still on it. Why do you even bother promising me something that you can’t even fulfill…
I question myself. All this while I have been questioning myself. Am I not ‘enough’ ? Am I getting dull to you? Oversharing? Too eager, too enthusiastic about you, too anxious to give meaning to us. Perhaps I need to give you more time. Be less this, be less that..
Honestly, I feel like it’s time I should stop 2 d guessing myself.. if I like you, why should I be worried that being happy to receive your texts may seem over enthusiastic?
Why do I worry that you would think i am desperate just by simply being happy spending time with you every weekend. I’m not desperate. I think it’s totally natural that I will be looking forward to weekends with you. Why the fuck do I even doubt myself? For you? What makes you special?
You said you would stop talking to others. You said that. I gave you time. I don’t even mind if you don’t take it down. I just feel this disappointment everytime I see you online. Every day without fail. Morning, noon, evening. 2am, 5am, 12noon. Once even when I was sitting right there beside you. You don’t think I know cos I’m never online.
I am not stupid. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted the words of a total stranger. You are a stranger to me. You have always been. You don’t let yourself be known.
What is a point of being in a relationship if trust was broken this early?
You know where I stood on this. I give in to your half baked lame ass excuse initially cos I knew you have your apprehension about stepping into anything serious. Commitment issues. I know how typical it is for guys.
But come on. I have consulted my guy friends and honestly nothing they said sounded like this is a commitment issue.
You know what it sound like? “Your guy have a lousy personality.” Why are people around me questioning me on your character? I keep telling myself that they just have not met you in person and who were they to judge…
Recently I feel tired. This kind of halfbaked relationship is tiring. I feel tired of doubting myself. Of trying to curb my own thinking and responses. I hate that this isn’t exactly a big issue.
I am a coward. I don’t want to spoil this fragile thing we share. Hell, you said before that people always leave you. At that time I found it strange why people would leave. I kept waiting to see what it was that turn people off you. Now, I know. So lets just broach the subject shall we? Because I know you won’t have the guts and sadly , the decency and respect to bring up this issue. We’ve got to stop and we will talk.
Mr L’s cheek felt prickly? Yep… surprise pecked him on the train. Just went for it kinda moment. He was definitely surprise. O god I feel embarrassed rn. Damnit.
Usually we did just part ways with a little palm squeeze.
Alright I admit I did been thinking bout it for awhile. But the guy just couldn’t take a hint the whole of yesterday. Even when we were just chilling at the lounge in fullerton. Damn that man.
Then again what do I expect from this guy. This 1973 guy who claims to ‘Never’ had a gf till me…(I’m kinda a sceptic on that fact.. but we shall see..)
I know he wouldn’t try anything unless I’m ok with it. After all, being younger and definitely less experience ( everything I know, comes from Google and the TV …)
So. I kissed a guy. Cheek. But still. It’s a guy who isn’t my nephew, it’s my conure’s belly, isn’t dad… alright I’m out. Damn qns to hell.
And people say women are hard to please…Who knew my dad had the answer to THAT qns?
I know. I’m a serious overthinker. I deconstruct the facts and use them to formulate my own perspective of things. Okay it sounds worst in writing… It works well for my job. Decisions need to b made, foresight is EVERYTHING. Anticipating the worst case scenario for every coordinated move we make… Had to ingrained it into my brain to get the projects moving. Whether it’s a good or bad move, damn them all..
Somehow this way of thinking is impeding my perspective of Us. Placed too much weight on something that isn’t even pass the ‘infant’ stage. Focused too much on motives and raised shields. See, I lose myself easily. Gullible. Naive. Total softie. Can’t say no type. I had to work on the shields or I wouldn’t have lasted 6 years . For fks sake, what do ppl expect being in this male dominated industry.
Anyway. Overthinking is just one of my problems. Oversharing is another. It’s kinda of an oxymoron isn’t it. Insecure yet guarded. Zero filter between the brain and the lips.
Argh then it starts the Overthinking again.. ’ why did I say that? What if he isn’t even interested in knowing about that shit but you’ve got nothing cos you are boring.. Boring. .’
Ya see? So much second guessing. I annoy myself all the time.
In a weird sense of lucid clarity, a thought of how to go about asking for that piece of honesty played out a scene in thy mind.
This thing. Been plaguing me the whole damn month. Somedays I’m ok with it. Most nights I’m just a full roller coaster ride of emotions with it.
I start with ‘cant be bothered.’ Then comes the just curious so let’s take a peek. Then I see it and get angry. And right after I feel guilty which makes me angry at myself for feeling guilt cos it’s not in me…bouncing between emotions… Wtf man…
They say it’s not too much to ask. It’s better to clear it up… What else are we actually doing? There’s no point in putting more in if both of us aren’t on the same page…
Just not willing to rock the boat.
Home of the Norwegian designer couple Arne Korsmo & Grete Prytz Kittelsen in Oslo, Norway, designed by Korsmo in 1955: LCM lounge chair by Charles and Ray Eames for Herman Miller, USA (1946)./ Plastolux
Mr L : “…Vector are madeup of lines. Raster are madeup of pixels…”
Are we as different as lines & pixels?
Pixels they could form lines easily. But can lines form dots?
It’s just small talk you say. Small talk with other people. Trivial.
I really don’t know what to make of that. I guess I’m naive.
I use to hate my city. Dull grey clumps of concrete disappointments. The air is ironic. Suffocating. The sky was it’s saving grace but noone really took notice of that. Fucking wretched society, blunt headed snobs.
It’s interesting how it took spending a full month abroad to realise how beautiful this homeland is.
This is nothing to do with patriotism. Taking the morning train to work on the overground line. The trees do shimmer in the rays, wind creating a swaying camaraderie. The tall buildings contrast well with shorter pitch roofs.
There’s a nice section of my journey where the tracks curve around a old factory park. Their pitch roofs meeting the sky on the horizon. It’s like a 360° camera shot with the sun.
I am comfortable for now. And savour it I will, until the next journey awakens my wandering soul
Have you ever met someone on the internet that you liked so much that you sometimes sit there and think “Oh man there are people who are lucky enough to see this person IN THE FLESH ON A REGULAR BASIS and I wonder if they realize how LUCKY they are”
